Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
