i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
