Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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