Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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