i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize