His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
