I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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