he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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