just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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