You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
