My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
