I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
