i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
