Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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