I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
