My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
