You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
