that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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