It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
