just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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