I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
