all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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