i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
