Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
