You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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