I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
