My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
