Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
