i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
