you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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