I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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