omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
