As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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