You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
