Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize