we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize