The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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