You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
