I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Randomize
