you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
