based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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