I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
