I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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