i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
