apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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