TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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