I wish I only lived at night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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