I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
