didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
