I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
