either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
