tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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