worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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