I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
