How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm just crazy horny about you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
