I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
