Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
