I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
