I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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