Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
