Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
