I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
