I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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