I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
