Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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