Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
