3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
