She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
