I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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