she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
