You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
