if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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