it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think my tv is drunk
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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