cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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