My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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